Dream Journal: Sticky Revolver

 
   I was in a run-down, dirty police station with the squad. We were in the middle of swappin' stories when we hear a fire alarm go off outside.


   Yet...even though it went off outside, one of the female detectives (we'll call her Detective El Fuego...yes, that's right, you Spanish speakers - Detective The Fire) stood next to the red fire alarm and knew exactly where this fire alarm has been triggered. And it was the same red, pull-down fire alarms you see in schools and office buildings.


   Anyway, she stood next to it, just looked at it, and laughinly said, "Hey fellas! It's coming from South and 100, can you believe that? That's right next to us!" All the other policemen chuckled in response from the adjacent room. (Which, by the way, the adjacent room looked almost like a locker room bathroom...lots of tile...and showers) How she was able to determine the location of the sounding fire alarm just by looking at it still baffles me.


   We heard some commotion outside and realize...something really was happening right outside our doors!


   I opened the side door to the street and smoke is quickly filling the scene. I peeked even further out the door and saw a small group of thugs walking towards us; the man in front was spraying a flame thrower to and fro. No wonder there was smoke!


   One of them saw me peeking through the door and ran at me! I closed the door and turned to the rest of the squad to give me a hand...but they had all gone! They fled in the face of real danger?! What kind of police force was this?!!!


   A few of the interns and secretaries stayed, though, (of all the people...they stayed?) so I'm desperately trying to keep the door closed while the gang on the outside is kicking and screaming, trying to break in.


   But wouldn't you know it - the lock on the door was tiny. And I mean tiny! Even if I had managed to slide the pin in place, anyone could have easily broken that thing. Useless...


   So the misfits busted open the door and I skidaddled to the adjacent room, hiding with the interns and secretaries. I heard them bustling about in the first room when I noticed a 6-shooter revolver on the ground. I picked it up...and angrily threw it on the ground! Why? I have no idea. Because then it hits me - "Oh. Maybe there are some bullets in it." I popped open the cylinder and there were 6 bullets starin' me in the face. Awesome.


   I breathed in deep, darted under the door frame and fired into the gang of misfits. Well...kind of. I tried to fire it with one hand, but the trigger was super sticky. So I had to grab it with both hands and use all my strength just to fire one shot!


   But fire it did, into the arm of a dude wearing a teal shirt. It must have gone through his arm into his chest, because he dropped pretty quickly. The next to taste the wrath of my sluggish trigger finger was a girl. I shot her in the upper thigh. At first, she reacted as if she was stung by something...but then slowly eased her way down to the ground. (And to be honest, she was kind of a bad actor)


   The next to taste the sting of my barrage of bullets was some kid in an orange shirt and a buzz cut. I purposely shot him in the thigh, because for some reason, I didn't want to kill this kid...just teach him a valuable lesson.


   I don't remember what happened right after that, but the dust settled and people were catching their breath, taking it easy and thinking about what had just happened.


   I went over to the kid in the orange shirt and said, "I'm sorry I had to shoot you. You gave me no choice, but at least I purposely shot you in the thigh, so it wasn't fatal, right?"


   He pulled out his silver cell phone and said, "Actually, you hit my cell phone, so no harm done. Thanks, man."


   Yeah...thanks, man. What a good way to end such a dream. I knew there was something special about that kid in the orange shirt and a buzz cut. ;)

Comment Boards = New Source of Comedy

   Hey there folks. I was looking at Jared Hess's IMDB page today and came across some humorous material that I felt I needed to share. It was a post done by a sincere filmmaker/writer extraordinaire (I guess) who wanted to get exposure for his creativity. Here is his post...along with the barrage of comments to his post:

   Awwwww...you gotta love people, right? Seems like comment boards are the wave of the future of comedy! Have you taken the time to read comments about anything else posted online these days? If there is a comment board...go to it! 97.3% of the time there will be an argument that starts between 2 people. Then others will gang up on the one who seems to be the most uneducated, agreeing with the more sensible person who ripped the "dumb" guy apart for posting such bone-headed, unintelligent dribble.

   For example, news stories are the best! Here's one story:

 

 One person makes a comment that most seem to disagree with...and so they attack!

   It's amazing how everyone wants to be heard. The internet has become such a place for that. Everyone has an opinion, but now it's getting ridiculous, with the amount of arguing that seems to take place. That's usually what happens on comment boards. Every once in awhile you'll get people praising other people for their comments...but most of the time someone has to argue with someone else to justify their opinion as being the "correct" way to view the matter at hand. People, I swear...

   Which reminds me: Does anyone else find it strange and annoying when 2 people start a comment conversation on your Facebook wall? I post a status update on my wall, a friend of mine comments on it, then another friend comments below it, references the first friend's comment. Then the first friend comments back to the 2nd friend because they were mutual friends with me, but they somehow hadn't "friended" each other on Facebook yet...something like:

   Friend 1: "Yeah. That was funny. It sure has been ages since we last saw each other. What's new?"

   Friend 2: "Oh nothing. Just doing blah blah blah in such-and-such city. You should totally come here to visit!"

   Friend 1: "For sure! I've been meaning to have the wife and kids and I go visit out there sometime. Do you have a family also?" 

   Hey, hey! (snap my fingers) Get your own wall to chat on! That's great that you're getting back in touch after who knows how many years, but don't do it on my precious digital real estate! Plus...you probably won't end up taking your family on vacation there to visit your friend you just reunited with. Just sayin'...

   It just seems like technology and the internet have created an infested swamp of text, videos, music and nonsense that even a child can participate in now. It used to be that only professionals and schooled individuals were broadcast to the masses. News anchors, actors, politicians, comedians, talk show hosts (not saying even they all act in a professional manner all the time)...they were the only ones you really got to see. Now little Jimmy down the street can act out his favorite scene from Yugi-Oh, edit it (complete with special effects), and then post it on YouTube in a matter of hours...and he's only 10! What's next...? 

   But...we can't escape it, so...might as well make the most of it and get some laughs from it. Check out comment boards when you're...bored. :) It'll make your day. 

   I'll leave you with a good rant about how we take our technology for granted, by Louis C.K. 

Dos Equis and Bus Stops

   I'm driving along and I see a dude impatiently waiting for the bus to come.

   Typical wide-leg stance, arms crossed, standing in the street, almost getting hit by passing cars, squinting as best he can to possibly catch a glimpse of his beloved bus. But alas, the bus is nowhere in sight. He throws his hands up in the air and walks back to the bench where a few others are patiently waiting.

   Then it hit me! This helped me conjure up a couple more lines for a new Dos Equis commercial:

   "When he stands in the street trying to spot his bus, it really does come faster."

   "When he sighs impatiently at the checkout counter, the line moves faster for him."

   And yet you see it all the time! For some odd reason, people walk out into the street, endangering their own lives just to hopefully get a glimpse of their bus.

   "If the bus driver could just see me, then he'd realize I gotta get home to watch NASCAR! I'm positive he's been doggin' it this whole time, slowly meandering from bus stop to bus stop. Taking his sweet time to open and close those doors, checking to make sure everyone is seated, blah blah friggin' blah! Don't he know who I am?"

   Trust me, dude. Standing in the street showing your impatient body language is not going to make the bus come any faster.

   And that also goes for you people who roll your eyes, put your hands on your hips like Peter Pan or sigh loudly if you think the checkout line is moving too slowly for your taste. It's not like the cashier will think, "Whoa! I am moving entirely too slow! Thanks, Impatient Sigher! I was in a zone, I had no idea!" If you're in a hurry, that's obviously not the cashier's fault. It's your time management that could use improvement. If you're just impatient...deal with it...without displaying it so proudly to those around you for own self-gratification.

   Just calm the hell down, people! Technology has caused all of us to become so impatient. Everything needs to be now now now, fast fast fast! The common housefly has a life span of 15-30 days! Now they sure have a reason to be impatient. The females start laying eggs on day 2! That's like rolling, crawling, walking, running, talking, playing, learning and getting knocked up at the senior prom all in 24 hours!

   Lesson of the day: Just chill out. No need to get all worked up about it. It all starts in the head. Of course there will be times where we're coming down to the wire and we're stressed about it. But let those instances be few and far between. Bus stops? Checkout lines? Sit-down restaurants? Those are easy circumstances in which we can teach ourselves patience. Baby steps, everyone. ;)

Instinct vs Reason (with easter egg links!)

   A couple days ago, I got this text from a good friend: "I am taking a poll, so please answer honestly...As a man, do you think you go against your biological and chemical nature by being monogamous? 

   To which I replied: "Meaning being male, it's in my chemical nature to be polygamous? So practicing monogamy is against my nature? Am I understanding you correctly?" 

 

   "Yes. :)," she replied. "You got it. Trying to decide how most men think in regards to this."

   Man, did that ever get my brain squirrels a-runnin'! I couldn't just text back the answer, because that would've done a number on my thumbs. 

   The following is my email response to her, more or less: 

   So...I do notice, being a male, that by instinct, I love all women. It's in my male nature to notice all attractive women that I may encounter or pass by.

  I've seen studies and TV segments that had men speaking with women that were wearing a modest top vs. women wearing a shirt with some cleavage showing. And even the nicest, most down-to-earth and polite gentlemen still couldn't help their eyes from frequently darting southward to get a glimpse of the cleavage. It's in our DNA.

  So, by instinct, all men are infused with polygamous desires. Like a lion having to spread his seed to his whole pride come mating season. 

But that brings us to the key factor that separates us from animals: logic and reason.

  Example: My girlfriend and I have an amazing relationship. We are so compatible, it's ridiculous. We actually knew each other in high school. Just acquaintances, though. We had a few classes together, said hi to each other in the hallway, whatev. Life took us into different directions after high school. We became friend on Facebook a couple years back. She lived in L.A. and I recently moved to L.A. for an internship. So we decided after 10 years to have our own personal reunion. Not the typical anxiety-driven high school reunion - starring punch, cookies, awkward dancing, egos and self-loathing. We hung out one afternoon, walking along Venice beach, and realized we really enjoyed each others company. And we continued to hang out...and realized we kind of liked each other. And it's been a blast.

  But as far as our relationship, as far as the 5 Love Languages are concerned, we both have Physical Touch as our primary love language, and Quality Time as our second most important. She has a PhD in microbiology and I'm the wacky artistic type. We're both really nerdy in our own respects, but love the same TV shows and movies and are both really sarcastic. We've only been officially dating for a couple months now, but it seems so effortless and we're just both equally smitten...which is hard to come by. A lot of relationships tend to become rather one-sided very quickly, once you get to know that person more intimately.

  I know that was a lot of back story, but here's the point: Even though my girlfriend and I work so well together, even though we compliment each other on so many levels...I can't help but have those instinctual, polygamous synapses fire in my brain when I see another attractive female come along. I think to myself, "Oh, man, she's gorgeous! I'm suddenly intrigued by this woman I don't even know!" But then...the defining attributes of being human take over: logic and reason. Then I think, "Sure she's pretty, but she's not my girlfriend. She's not as funny, she's gotta be way more boring, obviously not as smart, not as sarcastic and clearly not as fun as my girlfriend."

  So it's instinct vs reason. It's the constant variable among all men. Wanting to love and make love to every woman is our first instinct. Then reason comes along to screech the brakes on that train of thought. That's why a man can be with the greatest, most compatible, most beautiful woman in the world, but still take a second to look at another attractive woman, or dart his eyes towards some cleavage. Or, in a more tragic instance, a married man will succumb to those instincts and find himself "loving" more than one woman...even if his wife is so much more beautiful and compatible. (Tiger Woods?)

  Those instances comes back to the 5 Love Languages again. It's easy for a man to follow through on his instincts with another woman if his "Love Tank" isn't being filled by his girlfriend/wife. It's easy with my girlfriend, since we both have the same primary love languages. We both physically touch each other to show our affection and our quality time together is unparalleled. Even though I have those instincts to love every attractive woman, my girlfriend is the one that fills my Love Tank, so there's no question about who I am going to be loyal to. If my love tank wasn't being filled by her, I'd have an instinctual tendency to act upon my polygamous nature to see if some other woman could fill that Love Tank better. 

  So there you have it. Instinct. Logic and Reason. Love Tanks. That's how men are. That's how to keep your man. :)

   Now, some of you may be asking, "What are these 5 Love Languages he keeps blabbing about?" 

  Good question: Click on this for more info. I can't tell you how much that book has changed my life in dealing with relationships. And not only relationships, but how I show and receive love from friends and family. 

   If you're just curious which love language is primary for you, take the assessment test first by clicking here.

   It's cited in the book that it's rare for a couple to have the same primary love languages. I just happened to luck out with my girlfriend. But everyone needs to know about these love languages. I guarantee I will continue to reference The 5 Love Languages in future blogs. It has been very influential on how I approach having (and hopefully keeping) a mate. 

   Tell your friends! Tell your neighbors! Tell your loved ones! Weeeee! 

Ealan: A Brief History

   Hi. My name is Ealan. There are only a few of us in the world. You have to give it up to my parents for giving me such a unique name.

   But with a great unique name comes great responsibility to correct others on its pronunciation. Over the years, I'm always prepared to fire off my name at least 2 or 3 times when I meet someone for the first time. It's been interesting to witness how humans tend to grasp onto what they are familiar with when something new enters their ears.

   "Hi. I'm Ealan." (shake hands)

   "Ian?"

   "Ealan."

   "Eli?"

   "Ealan."

   "Eeeel-(inaudible mumbling)?"

   "Sure."

   I've had to deal with my name always having a red line underneath it in word processing documents, never making it passed the spell checker.

   I can't participate in Google search games such as typing in "[your name] is..." It only laughs in my face, asking "Did you mean 'alan is?'"

   When I Google search "Ealan," it's riddled with information about Pròiseact nan Ealan, a Scottish Gaelic arts agency. That's cool, since I'm an artist myself. And I'm 1/4th Irish. 

   From new teachers to coaches to meeting friends of friends, it's been an exciting journey to expose those I meet to my incredibly awkward name. My parents didn't think it'd be such a difficult name for the masses to latch onto, but I'm used to it. It's a part of who I am. My unique name has molded a unique personality, so I'm satisfied with it.

   It makes me smile when friends become defensive about my name.

   New Person: "What do you think about that, Eh-lawn?"

   Friend to New Person: "It's Ealan."

   New Person to Me: "My apologies, Eh-lawn."

   Ha! It's true, though. Normally, only those who know me or have hung out with me at least 3 times commit the correct pronunciation of my name into their long term memory. So if it's someone I know I probably won't see again or will only see infrequently, I let mispronunciation slide.

   "How do you let people say your name wrong? It bugs me, why doesn't it bug you?"

   "You would too if you've been dealing with it all your life. It's fun. It's an excellent indicator of who I really care about. So obviously you're in...for now."

   So how did my parents settle on Ealan? Well, here's the scoop:

   Since determining the sex of a baby wasn't around in the 70's and early 80's, boy and girl names had to be decided upon by the parents. For example, if I were a girl, my name would be Katie. No offense to the Katies or Kats or Kathryns out there, but I'm glad I'm not just another one of you! Haha! No, but seriously...

   I asked my mother for the details behind my name and how it came to pass, and so I will be citing from her account (which my father agrees with).

   I have 4 older sisters and no brothers, so the name Eli had been floating around since my second oldest sister was born. Even Eli Nolan was in the running at one point. But when my mom was pregnant with me, my dad had decided that Eli was jinxed, causing only girls to come forth from the womb.

   And so, Adam Sterling was conceived...literally. My parents were very satisfied with that name.

   I am an August baby, so maybe it was the heat, but my dad suddenly decided he no longer liked Adam Sterling 2 weeks before I was due. What?! My mom always liked having names decided upon well in advance of the birth, but my dad was adamant about it. So back to the drawing board they went. Eli was out, and my mom couldn't warm up to Nolan as my first name either. So they went back to combining names or taking them apart. (i.e. my sister Arian was chosen by taking the M's off M names. Marian...Arian! That's cool!) So, combining Eli and Nolan seemed like the next best step.

   Lo and behold, my dad liked it! According to my mom, this was a big step, because my dad apparently rejected many names over the years. So my parents liked the sound, but the next question is, "How will it be spelled so it's pronounced correctly?" They were afraid "Elan" would be pronounced "Eh-LAWN," but they also didn't want people to accidentally say "Ellen" either.

   So the "a" after the "e" was placed as not to have an "el" sound at the beginning, and another "a" as to not sound so much like "lynn" on the end. (This was news to me, hearing this from my mom. According to her, she pronounces it "EE-luhn." Huh...I guess it only takes a trained ear to really hear a difference between EE-luhn vs. EE-lynn, but I say EE-lynn.)

   My dad loved Ealan Joseph, sounding very Irish when said together. Having Joseph as a middle name was also somewhat of a tradition on my mom's side. Her father was Walter Joseph Carey, who was 100% Irish. And I may continue the tradition when I finally have children of my own.

   So there you have it - A brief history of how my name was chosen. Before I leave you, I thought I'd leave you with one last story of my favorite mispronunciation throughout the years.

   I was in high school, and I was sitting at my desk on the first day of another year. It was 7th period. Computer Lit with Mr. Weimer. He was a true computer nerd, but apparently not much of an English teacher.

   He was calling out the names of all the students alphabetically. Throughout school, I knew that I'd have to intercede once my name comes up. So once a teacher gets to Nelson or Olsen, I am on high alert.

   I knew Mr. Weimer had arrived at my name because there was a pause. He squinted and lifted the roll call sheet a bit closer to his bifocals.

   Mr. Weimer: "Uh-LEEN?!"

   I was shocked! I had never heard that one before. But I had to slowly raise my hand to correct him.

   "H-HERE...?! And it's Ealan."

   "Huh?"

   "Ealan."

   "...okay."

   And so I'll leave you with all the different versions of my name that I've heard over the years, including in person or over the phone. Thanks for reading, folks. Much more to come. 

   Eli
   Leland
   EE-lund
   EE-lan
   EE-lawn
   LEE-lawn
   Ellen
   Ian
   Eh-LAWN
   uh-LEEN
   Alan
   AL-lawn
   Ethan
   Kevin